Wedding planning and eating disorders; My personal Journey
For many women, we have fantasised about our wedding day since we were little. It's suppose to be the happiest day of our lives, a day where we look the ‘most beautiful’
The emphasis on body image can be overwhelming for ANY women, but if you're recovering from an eating disorder, or have a history of an eating disorder, the immense pressures that surrounds the ‘big day’ makes this a particularly challenging time.
This is a series of articles in which I am going to document & share my personal journey of planning my wedding and how I, an eating disorder recovery coach and someone who has lived with an eating disorder maintains my mental health.
Society has ingrained in us certain expectations and norms, particularly when it comes to the way we “should” look, be and act. When it comes to the ‘BIG’ day there is immense pressure to ‘look’ a certain way, to ‘fit’ into the dress, and to ‘achieve’ the idealised version of beauty & perfection.
Not only is there the pressure of how we look, but planning a wedding for most is stressful. The details, the organising, the pressure to please and the personal expectations we put on things means there is a whole LOT of pressure.
Most eating disorders start as a coping mechanism in moments where stress, anxiety and pressure is high. If there were ever a time that for an eating disorder to (RE)emerge, then getting married would be high up the list.
Part one - Finding ‘THE’ Dress
Like so many brides-to-be, the prospect of wedding dress shopping was both exciting and daunting. The idea of finding the dress that I will wear when I marry my best friend was incredibly special. But the pressure to find “the perfect” wedding dress, the dress that will be seen, commented on, analysed & captured in hundreds of photos felt A LOT.
I only had to think about previous times I had been shopping for an outfit and how stressful that had been. Almost always, after a few hours of trying clothes on, I would feel terrible about myself. My mum will attest, that I wasn’t the most fun person to shop with, so to say she was apprehensive was an understatement.
I wanted this weekend to be different. I did not want it to be about my body, appearance or perfection, I wanted it to to be about the experience, a rare weekend away with my mum, creating memories & having fun. I made a conscious decision to remind myself that my worth is not defined by my body or the opinions of others, and that my journey to self acceptance is more important than “finding the perfect dress”
I had some idea of what I wanted, but was open to try different styles & designs, even if they weren’t “flattering” (which is diet cultures code for “looking slim”) because this experience was NOT about how “good” or “beautiful” my body looked, it was about something much more valuable than that.
When I was ready to try on the dresses, I was told to go into the fitting room and get naked. To be honest I am not sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t that.
Despite my thought reframing, I became acutely aware of the intense focus that was about to on my body.
And truth be told, It felt like my body was a CV or a personal ‘trophy’ of my character.
My mum who is acutely aware of my journey, was incredible! She continually brought the focus back to how I was feeling in the dress, whether it was comfortable, what the material was like etc.
Tip one: Bring people who understand your journey and be clear with them what you need during the process. Let them know what is and isn’t helpful.
Because of thBecause of the first experience, I decided that for the second appointment (at a different boutique) I would call ahead to ask their stylists not to make comments about my body, weight, shape or appearance. I explained my history, and that I had worked for many years to heal my relationship with my body and that receiving body comments wasn’t helpful. The response was incredible and actually provided an opportunity and space to talk about body acceptance, not to mention making the experience so much more enjoyable.
Of course you don’t have to share your personal experience if you don’t feel comfortable. You never have to justify or explain your personal boundaries.
Tip Two; call ahead of any dress appointments and explain that you don’t want comments to be made about your body, weight, shape or appearance.
Many of the boutiques that I visited primarily stocked samples dresses which were all small sizes. I want to acknowledge my thin privilege and that as a ‘conventionally small’ person this didn’t impact my ability to try on dresses. But it did impact me emotionally. I couldn’t help thinking how damaging, triggering and WRONG it was that out of hundreds of dresses, only samples of small sizes were available. This just reinforced the need for greater inclusivity and diversity in the wedding industry, where brides of ALL body types can find their dream dress without feeling, ‘othered’, alienated or pressured to conform to societies narrow ‘beauty ideal’
Tip Three - check that the boutiques you are booking include a range of sizes and/or are size inclusive.
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Overcoming fear in eating disorder recovery
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